What happens when we take off our socks? The bittersweet power of introspection: a response by Aaliyah Christina

SJ Swilley in rehearsal at the Dance Center of Columbia College.

In January/February 2024, dance artist SJ Swilley held a production residency at the Dance Center of Columbia College supported by Chicago Dancemakers Forum. They invited collaborators Mawu Ama Ma'at Gora and Graciella Ye'Tsunami to help shape their work, Aaliyah Christina as an embedded writer, and Jovan Landry as the photographer to document some of the process. A performance in progress of this work will be held April 26 & 27, 2024 as part of the Dance Center’s Chicago Artists Spotlight Festival.

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Run I (31 minutes)

“We’re gonna see what comes up today. Yesterday, I was a different person. I’m a person who lives in the past, present, and future all at the same time. It’s interesting.”

“Do you remember where you were? On March 14, 2020?”

“Let’s go on a journey, but let’s remember: just because you see this doesn’t mean you’re my intended audience.”

They’re up on the catwalk (in the rafters) and they’re speaking in what seems like a stream of consciousness, but it’s clear they’ve thought this through (at least to me). Now, whether they’ve written it down to be a script is up for debate*. They’ve thought it through over and over again. I cannot see them, but that’s only because I’m not sure where they are up there and don’t feel like trying to find them. The sound of their voice in its omniscience will do for now. A playlist of R&B sets a smooth, comfortable vibe for the run. 

“I want you to bear witness to me in-process. I want you to see me. I want you to witness me. I want you to… *deep sigh* Perception is so hard.”

C****** as a conversational voice, out of sight? I don’t know how I feel about it.

Their grounding in Chicago as home is ever present in their movement vocabulary/quality since I last saw them perform, but that was virtual. This is live, in the flesh. Things have shifted with more certainty. Their spine is activated. Their feet are planted. Their head voice is strong.

“Chicago two years ago, born in Charlotte, philly for grad school.” Breath comes through easily. Strength is seen in their profile, a silhouette. 

Ms. D — Columbia campus security — comes in to say hi. She’s met with smiles.

“…*chuckles* oh Asé.”

The improvisation coupled with the spoken text feels like watching the unfolding of my first dancemaking class circa 2013. Unsure about what’s happening next, but definitely eager to feel/see how things unravel. They ruminate about the many mispronunciations of their birth name, referencing their 10th grade gym teacher. Today they have a suitcase with clothes strewn about accompanied with a bottle of prozac, a small flashlight, some body mist/cologne, and a reusable water bottle.

“Grounding, recentering back into the space.”

“I don’t always feel like I’m in body (x2), so my name has to change along with that discomfort, right?”  

Right? Yes, you read that right. They baby crawl across the floor and I wonder who is their “intended audience?” There’s a consistency in laterally carving out space with their arms. I’m not gonna mention anything about **** here unless it explicitly comes up. 

“They say without a test, you cain’t have a testimony, so really my message is tryna grapple with a lot of things…” in an effort to download, understand, recognize…

“I wanna share my story… don’t you have a story? You have something you wanna say?” 

Blood memory… who in their lineage are they experiencing?

“Inside my marrow, my tissue, she/her, Wanda, my grandmother. Happy Black History Month, y’all. She lives in me. She’s still here.”

Wholly open about their internal processes which exist and transcend their outer world. 

With creation collaborators Mawu Ama Ma'at Gora and Graciella Ye'Tsunami

Run II  (27 minutes)

They are not shy with expressing gratitude and disbelief of the blessing that their life has become.

“I want you to think about your process. I want you to remember a time… these last 3, 4, 5, years have been truly indicative of transformation.” 

There’s a neon spotlight on their suitcase and other materials. There is no music today. Only voice. Beautiful chorus? I am?

“Watch how you perceive me. Watch.(x2)” 

I wonder what they’ll wear in April.

“Thank you, K****.”

“It was, it was, and is S**** J**”

“I’m just grateful that I have the art to be able to process it. I want you to see me, but watch how you perceive me.” 

The voice work isn’t just spoken. They sing as well. They don’t sang. They just sing.

“I been at Columbia College Chicago. *chuckles* I been in the now. I been in my car. I been on the internet. Charlotte bred, chicago based. Living, loving, in love, out of love. In it, again and again and again and again.”

The upper spine does most of the work. I wonder what will happen when they take their socks off and release their lower back and let go of the full control of their lower body. It's all so beautiful anyway. I just wonder what happens when they get ugly.

“Selfish, self-indul-gent… self-indulgent (x4) I’m in my selfish era. How’d you get your name? My momma, a lover, me.”

Repetition is the name of the game and the body is just the board piece. Came to chicago in 2021 and auditioned for Red Clay, presenting more femme, but this city changes you. It’s where dogma and indoctrination come to die. Well… maybe not die, but it’s definitely where they come to sink… drown… suffocate. No more head-tail connection. Release it for a bit. Not forever, just temporarily.

“When you know somebody that’s always got a story to tell, you can't always believe it. I get that. *laughter* Going live.”

If you could write a love letter to Baby S****, what would you tell them? What questions do you have for future you? SJ, are you ready to meet them at the crossroad?

“I’d say there’s corruption of the heart. There’s corruption of the mind. I’d say you need to create some… you magical thing you, you’re alright.” 

I’m glad I can see them now. I see them whole here. When will we keep away from people pleasing? Who are the people we want to like us and why? Is an unapologetic and unbothered life un/fathomable? How do you break away from the former and move closer to the latter without letting it corrupt you? How do you make yourself incorruptible? What is ego death and how do we achieve it? A dear friend asked me a few months ago, do you die for yourself every day? Do you die on the page? How does your Death shape you? I wonder… Is this the space to introduce theories on Death and dying? The choice and the murder? To infinity and finity(?) What does it take to see yourself? To know yourself? To downright show up for yourself? How much does it take to own up for your mistakes? How much does it take to honor your triumphs? Do you choose others’ perception of you? Do you choose their treatment of you? When do you choose you?

Spiral and fall. Spiral and rise.

SJ and collaborators on stage in front of SJ’s projected text on the scrim

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Aaliyah Christina is a 2024 Embedded Writer selected by SJ Swilley in partnership with Chicago Dancemakers Forum & PRJ.